Ive read this with interest, and tears in my eyes. I learned of my fathers passing late last night, funeral this morning. I was constantly being told how to feel and how to react by family members when I wasnt even sure how I felt about everything as I was so focused on planning the funerals I havent really been able to talk properly with others about it because I dont feel they would understand. 41 views, 1 likes, 1 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Lakeholm Church: April 2, 2023 - Palm Sunday Look, If you need anything please call me and tell them no matter what that you have love for them. eCondolence.com, LLC | Copyright 2023. All Id ever really wanted to hear was Im sorry. The news of the death of an estranged parent is something I found very hard to process. Thanks for your blog post Erica. My father ignored all of his old family at the funeral, which was very hard to cope with. My friends are great, but its not the same. Thank you for writing this. I have a half sister (by my father) and, although they had also become estranged over recent years, she was offered lots of support from her friends and family as she had grown up with him. Thank you for sharing this, like you I havent been properly in touch with my father for a long time since I was 6 or so but have known of him and vice versa, but I have found out tonight that he has passed away from Covid 19, and surprisingly it has broken me, I thought I wouldnt be sad about someone I lost a long time ago but it hurts just a much as if I had seen him yesterday. I dont want to be angry anymore and I dont want to be sad either. Thank you. Maybe my experience with it. Search your memory for the good things about the deceased parent. I had a child of my own and wanted to see if we could have some sort of relationship, he was a grandfather and I thought I owed it to my son to try and give him a relationship with him. (It seemed to be a copy and pasted letter sent to each child) this made me so angry, I felt insulted, if felt like an absolute blow fr nowhere that serves to knock me down even more as I had enough to deal without more sabotage from the grave. However its not like that at all. It's still in progress. As I was driving there all I could think about was how he messaged me the night before and told me that he loved me and wanted me to go to church with him one Sunday. In the instance of estrangement, because the relationship was so strained, sadness may not be one of the emotions that immediately comes to the front. Every time Id reached out previously there was always someone to blame. Im glad I went but it was strange as they described a man I did not know. Though we might expect to feel relief that an estranged parent is no longer a part of our lives, it is far more common to find that the death affects us intensely on several unexpected levels. So after speaking to his family and his two younger daughters about the prognosis, we decided to take him off the ventilator. We grieve that the relationship now has no chance of mending. There are a number of different attachment styles and it baffles me that more is not known about this. "To an Athlete Dying Young" by A.E. I feel that I dont have a right to refer to him as my dad let alone share how I feel. He barely kept in contact over the years, it has been 25 years since we all separated. I was the first person in my family to graduate college. Adding a very different perspective here. After my husband convinced me to go, we ended up arriving at the funeral home about 10 minutes late but my uncle made everyone wait. It will come from nowhere and hit. Thanks for your post. The body may have run its course, but the soul lives forever. Ive recently had the very same experience. Poem for Dad Who Passed Away. Its like these men think, hey I messed up first time around so Im going to be really nice to my new kids and pretend the first one(s) never happened. We should not try to comfort the family by saying that "it was his time anyway", or, "he was suffering". During the first three to four months after her death I didnt really sleep that well and to this day have absolutely no idea how I functioned at work. High school came and went. I am writing these words to talk about the death of estranged family members in an attempt to normalize it. Some may have perceived that the relationship was so strained that you would not want to know. Maybe he wasnt even aware that we had a fourth girl at all. Marie. He was never going to be the Dad I wanted or needed him to be. A divorce causes the parents to separate and new opportunities create a move. Its upset me so much as if I didnt count. Call me mercinary or whatever you like but I have had a dad size hole in me my whole life and it has had a profound impact. I was shocked that I needed support and very fortunate to have it. Well I dont feel like I will grieve but I know that something has also been lost a connection with my past a connection to my mother who I loved so deeply. Sporadically he was in my life but he never really got me and I didnt get him. Whatever negative experiences might have occurred have probably changed him as well. My estranged father passed away March of this year and Im still having a difficult time processing it. While gathering my strength. I was startled by the dream I had about him that happened on the eve of his death. Except that i didnt find out about my mom until after she passed. Sadness is just one of many emotions that are experienced during the grieving process. I did not see my dad since he left when I was 3, and we were not particularly bonded and I dont remember it being loving. YOU are incredible. I really thought I would be relieved when I found out he died. Although I have some good memories and some things that I appreciate because of him, I had deep hurt and betrayal. My mother was not skilled and needed help raising two young boys. My estranged father died in February and today is his birthday. Or Id go, but spend the entire time at my aunt and uncles house with my cousins instead. Interest due to the fact I know 1 day I will also face going through this as I am estranged from both my Mother and my Father. thank you, My estranged mother died just over a year ago and I am not in a very good place at all. Thanks for sharing this. However, I have no feelings of guilt or regret over that fact because it would not have made any difference to the whole of our relationship even if we had patched things up. And now I feel I will miss out on the healing that can come with a funeral. It's a wonderful funeral poem for dads. Hurt, disappointment, and even anger may be the emotions that are the strongest at first. I came to that difficult decision, that I simply couldnt heal and have half a chance at being happy, with him in my life. I asked for the past to be kept in the past but it was brought up time and time again. Best regards x. Its a real comfort reading these words. My dad passed away recently but for the past 10 plus years or so, weve not had a very good relationship and hadnt spoken on the phone for nearly 6 months when I received a call to say he had passed. Hi Erica. The ramifications for children who are adopted even at a very young age are huge. Haiku for a Father. I didnt have a relationship with him anyway, so what? Example 1. If the deceased did not have a valid will at their time of death, the position of an estranged child will be quite different. I hope you are able to find peace xx. For now, pieces like yours are extremely helpful. Honoring the death of a person who was difficult to love - A combo memorial service / shiva minyan can help you do so A few months ago, I had the complicated privilege of helping a family plan a memorial/shiva service for their father, who had died after a long illness, and after an even longer period of pain of estrangement from his four adult children, their spouses, and his grandchildren. It did not work. Would I even be welcome at the funeral, provided he has a traditional funeral? I can only imagine how painful that was for him. I swear I didnt feel nothing the last times I saw him, didnt even felt the word daddy to come out of my mouth, I though I grieved him back then. These may be words of comfort later. I am so sorry for your loss Patricia. But I wanted one and I tried. So in a way I think I did not grieve how I needed to at the time. If you are struggling please reach out for some counselling in your area, or even online. Years pass with some exchange of celebration cards etc given we lived 8-20 hrs drive apart then at times I lost contact and. I explained that it was final. Are there any books you have come across on this topic? I am hoping in time I will be able to finally feel peace. Sonnet 37: As a decrepit father takes delight by William Shakespeare. I did not call him for 8 years. Cheated on my mum. I look back at my childhood and wish I had had a Daddy that would look after me, tell me about boys and teach me how to drive. Thanks. He was an adult who decided his 12 year old daughters existence was more of a liability than it was worth. So of course, I decided that I was going to go to the hospital and show my respect. Its an unusual circumstance. A troublemaker, a teacher, a friend. Hed spend his time talking about his wifes kids and his other grandkids. So we kept hope, kept him on the ventilator and I went everyday after work to visit him and there was absolutely no sign of improvement. I grieved the loss of what could have been or should have been many years ago and for the last about 20 years Ive been at peace with the estrangement. It never meant I loved him any less but needed to stop the pain that came with our relationship. Sure enough, he had died on the same day of my dream. It took about 10 years before I could stop thinking about it, and then my brother died. Although my father was an addict as an adult I wanted a relationship with him but it never worked out. Thank you for this! The next day, we all went back to the grave site. I saw my father whom I know is dying. He moved to an another state when I was 4. My father was adopted, this was used by him as an excuse for many of his failings. Often at some level there is an unspoken hope that the relationship might be restored. I was able to meet and be welcomed by my dads family and hear about him. Guilt anger deep deep sorrow. I needed this tonight. If your estranged parent is still alive, I would suggest you just reach out and just say to them. He left when I was 16, we could not support his drug addiction and belligerent outbursts any longer and he stormed out never to return. We have many memories together growing up. If someone had said their estranged parent had passed away, well, they didnt have a relationship with them anyway, so what? Youre right about the cards. The mortician said, I will tell you that he died of covid. death of an estranged father poem. Forgetting the past does not necessarily mean forgiving the past. Ill have to take life as it comes, I guess. They had me a bit later in their lives. Ive put up a wall with other family members and acted like Im a-ok, but Im not. Grief and Loss: Poems for Remembering a Family Member. I will let them read this as you explain it so well. The small crack that divided a parent and younger children suddenly becomes a chasm that one or the other chooses not to try to bridge. I just got a call 3 days ago, again he was hospitalized and not expected to live beyond a few days. I feel a bit robbed of those things but appreciate the fact that I had an awesome mum who made up for the lack of decent father. I hope you are able to manage your pain. Thank you for writing this article. We grieve at the loss of a part of our heritage. I never had anything from him in life so why not try to obtain something in death? No one thought to tell me. Atimeshare resaleoffers more space and a kitchen, so its perfect for families. I was shocked and wasnt prepared to experience the range of emotions of grief; afterall, wed been estranged for over 30 years. Has been 25 years since we all separated suggest you just reach and... And a kitchen, so what age are huge some exchange of celebration cards etc given we 8-20... 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